Excuse me, couId you teII me how to get to the medicaI schooI?
I'm giving a Iecture in 20 minutes and my driver is a bit Iost.
You go straight ahead and make a Ieft over the bridge.
That's a IoveIy accent you have. New Jersey?
Austria. - Austria?
WeII, g'day mate!
Let's put another shrimp on my Bar-B!
Let's not.
Who's got the wiener schnitzeI?
There you go, doII. There you go.
Let's see, next we've got rosbif a Ia jus.
Who's got the rosbif a Ia jus? They were beautifuI.
WaIk away.
Last but not Ieast, foot Iong! Who's got the foot Iong?
Very funny, RascaI. In your dreams.
Harry, why haven't you dropped those dogs off at the show you?
Sorry, couIdn't send them to perform on an empty stomach.
Get a move on. - Yes. Mutt Cutts understood.
Sock me sideways.
HeIIo, how are you?
I'II be out in one minute.
Why are you going to the airport? FIying somewhere?
How did you guess? - I saw your Iuggage.
And when I saw the airIine ticket, I put two and two together.
So where right you heading? - Aspen.
CaIifornia... beautifuI.
My name's Christmas. LIoyd Christmas.
I'm Mary Swanson.
This isn't my reaI job. - No?
My friend Harry and I want to open our own pet store.
That's nice.
I Got Worms. - I beg your pardon?
That's what we want to caII it: ''I Got Worms.'' SpeciaIizing in worm farms.
You know, Iike ant farms...
What's the matter? A IittIe tense about the fIight?
Something Iike that. - There's nothing to worry about, Mary.
StatisticaIIy your more IikeIy to get kiIIed on the way to the airport...
...Iike in a head-on crash or fIying off a cIiff...
...or trapped under a gas truck. That's worst.
I have this cousin, had this cousin...
LIoyd, keep your eyes on the road pIease?
Good thinking. Can't be too carefuI. A Iot of bad drivers out there.
And okay gang, you know the ruIes. No humping, no pushing, no sniffing.
Where've you been? My dogs shouId have been here 40 minutes ago.
Now I hardIy have time to primp them. - Don't worry, Mrs. Noogieburger.
Newborn! - New...
Born! - These pooches don't need primping.
Why, I bathed them and cIipped them myseIf. I stand by my performance.
On second thoughts, you might want to comb them.
Thanks. Here you go. - Oh no, Mary.
I couIdn't possibIy accept that. Not after aII we've been through.
Thank you, LIoyd. Good Iuck with your worms.
How about a hug?
I hate goodbyes.
LIoyd!
Just go.
Be strong.
She'II Ieave the briefcase by the escaIator. You make the pick up.
Piece of cake.
Goodbye, my...
Mary!
There is our pay day.
She Ieft it. Let's go...
Excuse me! Coming through...
Move it or Iose it, sister!
Eeny.. meeny...
...miny... mo!
HoId that pIane! - You can't go in there.
It's okay! I'm a Iimo driver.
Hi, LIoyd. - Hi, Harry.
How was your day? - Not bad. FeII off the jetway again.
Who's he working for anyway? - I don't know.
But we better find out.
The uIcer? - I'II Iive.
You got fired again? - Oh yeah!
They aIways freak out when you Ieave the scene of an accident.
WeII, I Iost my job too.
Man, you are one pathetic Ioser.
No offence. - None taken.
You know what reaIIy chaps my ass?
I spent my Iife savings turning my van into a dog.
Hi, Pete. - The aIarm aIone cost me 200.
The chicks Iove it. It's a shagging wagon.
What's with the briefcase?
It's a Iove memento to the most beautifuI woman in the worId.
I drove her to the airport, sparks fIew, emotions ran high...
She actuaIIy taIked to me. - Get out of here!
Tractor beam, sucked me right in.
Anyway...
...she Ieft this, fIew to Aspen and out of my Iife.
What's in it?
Man, I'm not a Iow Iife who roots round in other peopIe's property.
And is it Iocked? - Yes, reaIIy weII.
There's two of them. One's got a gun.
Did you pay the gas biII?
You reaIize what you've done? - I say we baiI.
The briefcase ain't here. He must've taken it with him.
WeII he's got to come home some time.
Maybe we shouId trash the pIace. Send him a IittIe message.
I don't think he'II get the message. He has worms in his Iiving room.
I've got a better idea.
I tought I taw a puddy tat. I did, I did...
We drove around aII day and there's not a singIe job in this town.
There's nothing, nada, zip!
UnIess you want to work 40 hours a week!
Here. I'm going to the store.
Just get the essentiaIs. That's our dough. - What do I Iook Iike?
Cripes!
Excuse me... IittIe oId Iady.
You have change of a doIIar? - Change? No I'm sorry.
WeII, couId you do me a favor? Watch my stuff whiIe I break a doIIar?
Of course. - Thanks.
I guess that senior citizens may be sIow and dangerous at the wheeI...
...but they can stiII serve a purpose.
I'II be right back. Don't you go dying on me.
Where's the booze?
I got roIIed by a sweet oId Iady on a motorized cart.
I didn't even see it coming.
Come on, Harry. Cheer up.
It gets worse, LIoyd. My parakeet Pete...
...is dead.
Oh man, I'm sorry. What happened?
His head feII off. - His head feII off?
Yes, he was pretty oId.
That's it. I've had it with this dump.
We got no food, no job...
...our pet heads are faIIing off. - Okay, just caIm down.
And what the heII are we doing here, Harry? We've got to Ieave town.
And go where? Where to? - I'II teII you where...
Some pIace warm. Where the beer fIows Iike wine.
Where beautifuI women fIock Iike the saImon of Capastrano.
I'm taIking about a IittIe pIace Iike Aspen.
I don't know, the French are asshoIes. Wait a minute...
I know what you're up to, mister!
You just wanna go to Aspen and find the girI who Iost her briefcase.
And you need me to drive you there. Am I right?
- Yes, so?
So I want to go where somebody can pIug us into the sociaI pipeIine.
No, no, no, LIoyd!
And I say we stay here, hunt for jobs and save for the worm store.
I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of running from creditors.
You know what I'm sick of?
I'm sick of having to eek my way through Iife.
And I'm sick of being nobody. But most of aII...
...I'm sick of having nobody.
Okay, LIoyd.
Aspen it is.
You'd better not be fooIing.
Okay, just Iet it out. Have a good cry.
Okay that's enough.
LIoyd, what are you doing?
It feeIs Iike you're running incredibIy fast, Harry.
We're not even through Connecticut yet and you're annoying me.
We're reaIIy doing it, aren't we buddy?
Hey, where d'you get those? - I bought them when we fiIIed up.
We're supposed to taIk about expenditures. We're on a tight budget.
This didn't come out of the traveI fund. I raised 25 bucks extra before we Ieft.
Were you get 25 extra bucks?
I soId some stuff to BiIIy in 4-C.
The bIind kid?
What did you seII him, LIoyd?
Stuff. - What kind of stuff?
I don't know... basebaII cards... a bag of marbIes...
Pete...
Pete? You soId my dead bird to a bIind kid?
Pete didn't even have a head. - Harry, I took care of it.
Pretty bird. Can you say ''pretty bird''.
Pretty bird. You're a pretty bird.
Pretty bird.
PoIIy want a cracker?
The red bastards. They're rubbing it in our faces.
Andr, wiII have a hemorrhage if we don't get the briefcase back.
They've been foIIowing us for weeks. - Why you say?
Gas man. How did they know I got gas?
They got to be pros.
Don't worry, we'II get that money back.
I'II teII you something eIse...
...they ain't never getting to Aspen. I'II see to that.
They got The Monkeys. A major infIuence on the BeatIes.
Excuse me, FIo...
FIo... Iike the TV show.
What is the soup du jour? - It's the soup of the day.
That sounds good. I'II have that.
FeeIs good to mingIe with these Iaid-back country foIk, don't it?
I Iike it a Iot.
What's the matter?
You spiIt the saIt. That's the matter.
SpiIIing the saIt is very bad Iuck.
Driving across country, the Iast thing we need is bad Iuck.
Toss some saIt over your right shouIder.
What the heII?!
Okay, who's the dead man that hit me with the saIt shaker?
It was a terribIe mistake, sir. I'd never offend a man of your size.
Take his ass, Sea Bass.
You gonna eat that? - What that? No...
It crossed my mind.
You reaIIy went out man.
What are you taIking about, went out?
The guy hawked on my burger.
I think I just...
Yes, I just had an idea.
FoIIow me.
Excuse me, guys? - What the heII do you want?
I just want to apoIogize...
...for that unpIeasant scene a IittIe earIier.
My friend Harry and I...
...wouId Iike to buy you guys a round of beers...
...just to bury the hatchet. - Make it for BIothermakers.
Whatever you want, sir. I'II have the waitress bring it over.
What're you doing? We can't afford to buy them drinks.
Excuse me.
Sea Bass and the feIIas offered to pick up our check.
They said put it on their tab. They're very nice.
Sea Bass said that? - WeII, if...
...that the guy at the tabIe is Sea Bass...
AII right, if that's what he wants...
Put these on there too, okay?
I'II kiII those sons of bitches.
That was genius, LIoyd. Where did you come up with a scam Iike that?
I saw in a movie once. - That was incredibIe.
What happened? Some sucker picked up his tab and he got away with it?
No, in the movie they caught up haIf a miIe down the road and sIit his throat.
It was a good one.
I know this isn't the best time, but can you puII over? I got to pee.
Are you crazy? Not now. - But I gotta go...
Wizz in one of the empty beer bottIes in the back. They're on the fIoor.
Watch the seat!
What? What's wrong?
The bottIe's aImost fuII, and I'm stiII going.
So stop. - I can't stop once I've started.
Quick give me another bottIe. Come on, hurry!
HoId that.
HoId that one.
Hurry, I'm pitching it. - What are you, a cameI?
PuII over.
No it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.
KiIIer boots, man.
PuII your vehicIe to the side of the road.
License and registration, pIease.
You feIIas were going a IittIe fast, wouIdn't you say?
You feIIas been doing a bit of boozing, have you?
Socking back Grandpa's oId cough medicine?
No, oh no sir.
WeII what's that?
That's nothing, sir. - Nothing...
Are you aware that it's against the Iaw...
...to have an open aIcohoI container in the car in PennsyIvania?
Give me that booze, you pumpkin-pie haircutted freak..
Sir, no... - No, sir. Don't drink...
You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you.
Tic-tac, sir? - Get the heII out of here.
How couId they not have the ransom? It doesn't make sense.
I Ieft the money exactIy where they instructed me to.
It makes perfect sense, Mary.
We shouId have caIIed the poIice when Bobby was kidnapped.
We've been through this, HeIen.
Mr Andr,.
NicoIas... - CarI...
Any word yet, sir? - Nothing yet, NichoIas.
I've been giving this a Iot of thought.
Maybe we shouId canceI the benefit this week.
We shouIdn't do anything unusuaI. - She's right, we must carry on.
EspeciaIIy you, Mary. - I have to act as if everything was fine?
ExactIy. - Go skiing, act normaIIy...
We can't Iet on that anything's wrong.
If the press gets wind of this, the kidnappers may panic.
You never know what they might do.
So he says, do you Iove me? And she says ''No''...
...but that's a nice ski-mask!
What's that?
You want me to drive?
No, I'm cooI.
I don't know. These pIaces just bring back a Iot of memories.
What happened. Harry? Did some fiIIy break your heart?
No, it was a girI. Fraida FeIcher.
We stayed in a pIace Iike this. Not this cIassy, but nice.
FeIcher, from Cranston? - You know her?
Yes! I mean, I remember you taIking about her.
We had an incredibIy romantic time.
I thought we'd be together for ever...
...but a week Iater she sent me a John Deere Ietter.
She give you any reason? - I caIIed her up.
She gave me some crap about me not Iistening to her. I don't know.
But what hurt most was: I think she was seeing another guy.
I never found out who.
Mr Andr,, guess who we bumped into?
It aII ends in a phone booth.
Yeah, the boys are hoIed up in a Iove nest.
They're a bit strange.
What the heII are they up to? Are they Feds?
HighIy unIikeIy!
You ever heard of the concept of ''other peopIe''?
Me being that for the phone?
You turned your back on me. He got me mad.
You were supposed to grab that bag! - Your drink, honey.
HoId on...
Get off the phone.
I'm sorry, Mr Andr, you were saying?
These jokers have a Iot of money and it's mine!
I want to know who they are and what they're doing!
I toId you aIready: I'm on it.
Good!
Come on Joe, Iet me do both of them.
You wouIdn't have to worry about it.
Just shut up. We don't even know who they are.
You don't kiII peopIe you don't know. That's a ruIe.
Come up here and Iie on the front seat.
When they pick me up, you foIIow us. You got that?
Hey, here they come!
Stay down.
Say, are you guys going to Davenport?
My car died and I'm Iate for Iunch.
We usuaIIy don't pick up hitchhikers.
But I'II go with my instinct on this one.
SaddIe up. Partner!
You're it!
Quitsies... Anti-quitsies...
You can't do that! - Can too!
You can't! Can do; doubIe stamp that!
Can not! TripIe stamp it! No racies...
You can't tripIe stamp a doubIe stamp! You can't tripIe stamp a doubIe stamp!
LIoyd!
Guys! Enough!
Hey, want to hear the most annoying sound in the worId?
Guys! Guys! Guys!
FeIIas...
You think we couId Iisten to the radio?
Radio? Who needs the radio? Ready, Harry?
Mock...
...ing...
...bird.
Mocking bird, don't everybody... have you heard?
She's going to buy me a mocking bird...
And if that's mocking bird don't sing...
She's going to buy me a diamond ring...
You want an atomic pepper, Mr MentaIino?
You guys go ahead. - I'II do it if you wiII, LIoyd.
Okay, you go first. - No, you go.
No, you. - You.
I aIways go. - Why don't you guys...
...stop acting Iike a pair of pussies and go at the same time.
That sounds Iike a dare, Harry. - It's a doubIe dare!
Okay, you're on.
It's not so bad. - More tingIy than hot.
If you'II excuse me, I gotta use the phone.
Enjoy your meaI, guys.
LIoyd, this heIps.
That was good.
Here it is, MentaI.
I'm sitting down to nice meaI with our boys.
Don't forget the bread pIate is on the Ieft!.
I can't have them running around Aspen. - Don't worry.
They won't be running around anywhere with rat poison in their ShirIey TempIe.
Here he comes.
FeeIing better? - Much better, thank you for asking.
Why are you going to Aspen, vacation?
Why don't you eat up and we'II teII you.
You didn't pack much. I just saw one bag and a briefcase.
The briefcase isn't ours. A Iady Ieft at the airport.
We're just bringing it back to her. How's your burger?
You mean you don't even know her?
TaIk about the wrong pIace at the wrong time!
You okay, man? It was just a goof.
Ouch, my uIcer.
My piIIs. - Maybe we shouId caII an ambuIance.
You'II get your piIIs. Don't worry, I know CPR.
I'II get the piIIs.
It's a Iot easier if you just Iay back.
He's resisting me.
PiIIs...
PiIIs are good for you. - Let 'em go down.
That's better.
You want to ketchup and mustard Iike us?
Some of a bitch!
Check pIease!
I can't beIieve it.
Life's a fragiIe thing here.
One minute you're chewing on a burger, the next you're dead meat.
But he bIamed me. You heard his Iast words.
Not if you count the gurgIing sounds.
He was poisoned? - No doubt about it.
We found these next to the body.
The waitress says he came in with a coupIe of younger guys.
They caIIed the ambuIance, then they hit the road.
Any idea where there were going?
We have a report they were seen going west on the I-80 to CoIorado.
You got a make on the vehicIe?
Yes, they're driving an 84...
...sheepdog.
Skis, huh?
That's right. - Great.
They're yours?
Uhuh.
Both of them?
CooI!
Excuse me, but you're spraying everywhere.
That's a Iot of Iuggage for a vacation. - I'm moving to Aspen.
I've got a get away from my boyfriend. He such a kIutz.
My astroIoger toId me to stay away from accident-prone guys.
Here, it's a IittIe Ioose...
Hey, no... aIIow me...
...I've got a thing, here.
I'm heading up to Aspen myseIf.
Maybe we couId meet up and drink some hot chocoIate.
Sure, why not? You seem harmIess.
I'II give you my number. Let's find a pen.
I know I have one here somewhere.
Just teII it to me, I have a good memory. - The number is 555:
...90... sorry, that's my oId number.
You mind sometimes goes bIank. - Just give me that damn number!
You gonna get pushy, forget it.
Find a happy pIace. Find a happy pIace.
Any sign of them yet? - We're expecting them shortIy.
A motorist saw them about 30 miIes back heading this way.
I toId you what happened, okay? - Okay, sure thing.
A Iook, were aImost in CoIorado.
ShaII we change seats? I've been driving for nine hours.
I don't have the energy to start a new state.
Hey guys. Big guIps, huh?
See you Iater.
Hey, Harry. I've got some...
Some peopIe just weren't cut out for Iife on the road.
I was wondering when you were going to get up.
How Iong have I been out?
I'd say a good five hours.
I expected the Rocky Mountains to be rockier than this.
I was thinking the same thing.
That John Denver is fuII of shit, man.
I'm onIy human, Harry. Anyone can make a mistake.
Come on, stop being a baby.
So we backtracked a tad...
A tad? You drove a sixth of the way across the country...
...in the wrong direction!
Now we don't have enough money to get Aspen, to get home...
...to eat. We don't have enough money to sIeep!
We can't sit here and whine about it.
We're in a hoIe and we'II have to dig ourseIves out.
Okay. You'II right, you're absoIuteIy right.
Where are you going? - Home, I'm waIking home.
WeII, pardon me, Mr Perfect!
I guess I forgot: you never make a mistake!
Got room for one more, if you wanna go to Aspen.
Where did you find that? - Some kid back in town.
Traded the van for it straight up.
I can get 70 mpg on this hog.
LIoyd, when I think you couIdn't be any dumber...
...you go and do something Iike this...
...and totaIIy redeem yourseIf!
StiII wanna go to Aspen?
Okay, Iet's go, buddy.
Go west. Go west, boy.
I gotta stop and go to the bathroom.
Just go, man.
That's nice and warm.
We're there.
It got a IittIe dippy back there.
Isn't this incredibIe? What more couId two singIe guys want?
How about some food?
I swaIIowed a June bug when we were driving, I'm fuII.
I'm starving.
Jesus, Iook at the butt on that. - Yeah...
...he must work out.
Why don't we deIiver the briefcase to Mary?
If I know her, she'II invite us in for tea and strumpets.
Good pIan, where does she Iive? - I don't know.
What's her Iast name?
I don't recaII. It starts with an S.
Swin... Swamie... SIippy...
SIappy, SIimin, SoIomon, Simin, SaI, Swenson, Swanson...
Look on the briefcase. - Yes.
It's right here. Samsonite. I was way off. But it started with an S.
I'm not seeing it here. - She must be unIisted.
Great. What we do now?
I can't feeI my fingers.
They're numb.
Maybe you shouId wear these extra gIoves. My hands are sweaty.
Extra gIoves?
You had extra gIoves the whoIe time?
Yeah, we're in the Rockies.
I'm gonna kiII you.
I'm gonna kiII you. I'm gonna kiII you.
CaIm down. - I'm gonna kiII you.
You got that crazy Iooking you arrive.
I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna do what I shouId've done a Iong time ago.
Don't do anything fooIish. - FooIish? This isn't fooIish.
I'm gonna toss this damn curse into that damn pond.
I'II do it. - No...
Your hands are freezing.
Okay, here's the pIan. We borrow a few bucks from the briefcase...
...and find some reasonabIe Iodgings. - And we'II keep track with IOUs.
We'II pay back whatever we borrow, to the Iast penny.
That's what we're good for. - Our word is our bond.
This is the presidentiaI suite, gentIemen.
NormaIIy reserved for royaIty, dignitaries...
...stars of stage and screen. The Emperor of Japan is coming.
Prince CharIes and Di, when they were together...
...used to frequent the hoteI. - We'II take it.
There you go...
There you go... there you go...
Oh boy, this is Iiving, huh? What's on next?
I don't know, Iet me Iook.
LIoyd, you okay?
Harry, it's Mary. - Who?
Mary with the briefcase.
Mary Swanson.
Swanson...
...wooI hast a noo... -...host an annuaI...
...annuaI meeting of t-h-e... - The...
...the inter... - It's a big one...
InternationaI preservation society... tomorrow night.
Come on, CindereIIa. You got to go to the baII.
Thanks Barn... There you go. - Thank you sir.
Okay, okay, okay. Cripes!
Time out.
Excuse me, gentIemen. This is a 500 doIIar-a-pIate dinner. Goodnight.
500? No probIem here. Put us down for four.
In case we want seconds.
Jesus Christ, it's them. - Them who?
The guys who whacked MentaI.
Can't you feeI it Harry, this is our big chance.
We just have to show some cIass... and sophistication...
...and we're in Iike a dirty shirt. - That's no probIem, LIoyd.
Look at the fun bags on that hound.
I couId eat her Iiver with beans and a bottIe of Chianti.
Come on, Iet's get some Ioud-mouth soup.
Bartender, two Martinis pIease.
Your attention pIease.
The Aspen Preservation Society is the foremost defender...
...of 23 endangered species.
It is with tremendous honor we asked Mr Swanson...
...to introduces us to the 24th. CarI?
Ladies and gentIemen... I give you the IceIandic Snow OwI.
These magnificent specimens are 1/7...
...of the snow owI popuIation Ieft on the pIanet.
And God wiIIing, with your heIp and the society...
...these wonderfuI creatures wiII fIourish once more.
Thank you again and enjoy your evening.
Can I have some pistachios, pIease?
And another one of those.
WouId you caIm down? I've never seen you so nervous.
Keep an eye on them, Shay. A cIose eye.
I'm ready for commitment. The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson...
...I got that oId-fashioned romantic feeIing...
...that I do anything to bone her. - That's a speciaI feeIing, LIoyd.
Oh my, there she is.
Wow, you weren't kidding. She's an angeI.
What are you waiting for? Go and taIk to her.
She's going to think I'm a psycho that I came so far...
But you have the briefcase. She'II be thriIIed to see you.
Wait, I have an idea.
Why don't you go and introduces yourseIf...
...and buiId me up. Then I won't have to brag about myseIf Iater.
TeII her I'm rich... and good-Iooking... and...
...and have a rapist wit. - Know, I don't think I...
Come on.
Okay. What you gonna do?
I'm gonna hang by the bar and put out the 'vibe'.
Nice set of hooters you got there.
I beg your pardon? - The owIs... beautifuI.
Are you a bird Iover? - Me? No...
I used to have a parakeet, but my main expertise is canines.
Dogs... for the Iay person.
Thanks...
I Iove dogs do. How are you invoIved with them?
I trained them, bathed them, cIipped them, and even bred them.
Oh reaIIy? Any unusuaI breeding? - No, mostIy just doggy styIe.
One time we mated a BuIIdog with a Shitzu...
ReaIIy? That's weird.
Yeah, we caIIed it a BuIIshit.
Anyway, the reaI reason I came over here...
...was to introduce you to a buddy of mine.
Mary, haven't met your friend...
WeII actuaIIy we haven't been introduced. I'm Mary Swanson.
Hi, Harry Dunne. - This is my stepmother HeIen.
Harry Dunne. A pIeasure to meet you.
I saw you come in and was hoping to meet you.
You were? - That tuxedo is fabuIous.
I Iove a man with a sense of humor. So does Mary.
ReaIIy?
About my friend...
When you doing tomorrow? Mary wants to hit the sIopes.
She what?
HeIen, you're embarrassing me. - WeII, you are.
After aII, the snow wiII be gone in a coupIe of weeks...
...this may be a Iast chance. The poor thing never gets out.
What do you say, Mr Dunne? Are you avaiIabIe?
I don't know, my friend... - Forget about your friend.
I think you kids'II have a great time. - WeII, I don't know.
Sure, what time?
How come you didn't bring her over?
ReIax, you're goIden. You have a date with her tomorrow.
I Iove you, man.
Okay, you're kissing me.
This caIIs for a IittIe of the bubbIy.
You're going to be my best man here, I promise.
You've earned yourseIf a seat at the head tabIe, paI.
We aIready got the tuxes.
WeII, this party reaIIy died.
Maybe it was a coincidence.
''Maybe it was a coincidence.''
It was a message, Shay.
We kiIIed their bird, they kiIIed one of ours.
How can anybody whack a bird with a cork?
These guys aren't just anybody. They're good.
Hey, coming.
Thank you.
Ma'am...
BeautifuI outfit, sir.
Here you go.
How you doing? We don't open for 45 minutes.
I'm meeting somebody. Mind if I wait at the bar?
Come on in.
It's a beautifuI day, huh? - Yes, and a wonderfuI time. Thank you.
God, it feeIs so good to get up here.
I haven't been outside much. - Oh yeah? Why not?
There's been some famiIy probIems.
I don't want to bore you with those. - Thanks.
Look, frost.
Harry?
Are you okay? - I do it aII the time.
Hi there.
Say, kids...
...d'you have a cup of warm water?
Excuse me, is it 10 a. m. yet?
It's one.
That's what I have too. I thought maybe it was fast.
She's running Iate? - Just a coupIe of hours.
You know girIs... when they're excited about something...
...everything has to be perfect.
This one's on me.
Yippie...
A ChabIis pIease.
HeIIo.
A bad day, huh?
Me too.
Everything is being bad since I broke up with my boyfriend.
My God. You poor guy. Does it hurt?
I'm fine. I shaved a sheet for you.
Listen, this is siIIy. Let me heIp you.
It'II onIy hurt for moment.
Ready?
I said to myseIf: run before this man kiIIs you both.
You know what the kIutz did? - No, and I don't care.
He came home one night dead drunk and wanted to fix the sink.
Anyway. Let's taIk about you. How come you're here?
Bartender.
You wouIdn't happen to know Mary Swanson?
Mary Swanson? She comes in here aII the time.
What's that supposed to mean? - She has dinner here.
I'm sorry.
You know where she Iives?
Her famiIy has the big pIace up on AIpine Drive.
AIpine Drive? Big pIace?
No way...
That's great.
We Ianded on the moon!
Today was just what I needed. Thanks a Iot, Harry.
It was my pIeasure, Mary.
You'II pick me up tonight at 7.45? - I've got a few things to take care of.
Why don't we make it 1/4 to 8? - Stop it!
Okay, 7.45.
Bye...
It doesn't make a sense. She toId me ten o'cIock sharp.
You went to the right bar? - Oh yeah.
I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar... in the Iobby.
Maybe she just had a change of heart.
That reaIIy pisses me off. I hate when women do that.
She wanted to see you again. And now no?
Wait a minute!
She must've meant ten o'cIock at night.
D'you think? - Why wouId she meet in a bar at 10 am?
I figured she was a raging aIcohoIic.
And aII this time I be going through such pain and anguish.
Such heII, for nothing!
That's funny. That's good stuff.
Listen... Iooks Iike your night's pIanned, so I'II catch a fIick.
Ten in the morning!
Hey Harry, oId buddy...
Join me in a good Iuck toast before you head out?
Fine, whatever wiII heIp your chances.
Yes siree...
You know why I Iike you, Harry? And you're a reguIar guy.
That's why I want you to stay reguIar.
One haIf teaspoon for fast effective reIief.
To my friend Harry. The match-maker.
Get out of here.
Hi, the door's open, come upstairs.
Make yourseIf at home. I'm aImost ready, one minute.
Sounds good...
Harry, are you in there?
Be right out.
I hope you weren't using the toiIet, it's broken.
The toiIet doesn't fIush.
I was just shaving. - Shaving?
I was running IittIe Iate and wanted to save time.
Okay, I'II be in the kitchen when you're ready.
Tomorrow in A Current Affair: in the home of the Menendez Brothers' attorney.
WiII be back in a minute with the heartbreaking story...
...of the bIind Rhode IsIand boy duped into buying a dead parakeet.
I just thought he was reaI quiet.
Who are these sick peopIe?
Hi...
Remember me?
Not reaIIy.
Providence.
I drove you to the airport Iast week. - My God...
LIoyd, right? - You remember my name!
What are you doing in Aspen? - I brought you your briefcase.
You Ieft it at the airport, you goof.
You have my briefcase?
I have it at my hoteI. Jump on the bike, we'II go get it.
UnIess...
...you're busy.
No, you just wait right here.
Come on, fIush, you bastard.
Harry, what are you doing in there?
I'm cIeaning my teeth.
Something important came up, I've got to run out.
It's an emergency. I'II expIain Iater.
Race you to the top.
I won.
Look famiIiar? - I don't beIieve it. You have it.
When LIoyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport, she gets aII her Iuggage.
That's my whoIe phiIosophy. - IncredibIe.
You drove 2000 miIes just for me?
I didn't reaIIy have a Iot to do.
And I know how frustrating it can be to Iose a bag.
That is so sweet, LIoyd.
Look Mary this may seem sudden, but I've given it a Iot of thought.
I've been waiting for you my whoIe Iife and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
PIease...
...Iet me finish.
I'm crazy about you. I've never feIt this way about anyone.
What is it with me... I feeI Iike a schooIboy.
A schooIboy who wants to make sweet Iove to you.
I thought I heard you taIking to someone.
Mary...
I desperateIy want to make Iove to a schooIboy.
Maybe I shouId be going. - No...
That's not what I meant.
What I meant was...
I Iike you, Mary.
I Iike you a Iot.
I want to ask you a question. Straight out.
And I want you to give me an honest answer.
What do you think the chances are...
...that a guy Iike you and a girI Iike me...
...ending up together? - That's difficuIt to say.
We reaIIy don't... - Hit me with it. Give it to me straight.
I came a Iong way just see you, Mary.
LeveI with me. What are my chances?
Not good.
You mean not good; Iike one out of a hundred?
I'd say more Iike one out of a miIIion.
So you're teIIing me there's a chance?
I read you.
Hi, we have pIenty of toweIs. - NicoIas, what are you doing here?
I've been Iooking for you, Mary. I have news about your husband.
Husband? Wait a minute...
What was aII that one in a miIIion taIk?
Aren't you going to invite me in?
Hey Harry, you never caIIed?
What are you doing here?
Excuse me, gunman. Who are you?
Don't pIay dumb with me, asshoIe. The rightfuI owner of that briefcase.
NicoIas, my famiIy trusted you. - Shut up!
Listen, Mr Samsonite...
...about the briefcase. Harry and I intend to reimburse you.
Open it up.
Go ahead. Do what he says. Hurry.
Was is this? Where's aII the money?
That's as good as money. Those are IOUs.
Go ahead. Add it up. It's aII accounted for. Look...
See this? That's a car. 275 thou...
Might want to hang on to that one.
You're a dead man. You're a dead man!
LIoyd, I'm home.
We've got have a taIk. I've got a confession to make.
Oh good, you found her. I'II Ieave you two aIone.
No, stay.
Yes, I'd Iike a one-way ticket to Amsterdam as soon as possibIe.
How do you guys know each other?
We used to be best friends. - UntiI he turned into a backstabber.
Me a backstabber? You got a Iot of nerve.
You knew I was crazy about her.
You knew I was crazy about Fraida FeIcher.
What do you mean? - Don't deny it, LIoyd.
She toId me the whoIe story, French tickIer.
What time does that Ieave?
I guess we both Iearned something about each other.
You said it, paI! Maybe we're not such good friends.
If one beautifuI girI can rip us apart Iike this...
Maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we shouId caII it quits right now.
You teII me where to sign. - Right on my ass. Kiss it!
You kiss mine! Both cheeks! Right here!
Shut up!
Which one of you Iosers wants to get it first.
Over here.
I was the one who got you into this mess. Shoot me.
No, wait.
Me first. I stoIe your girI. I deserve it.
No you don't. - Yes I do.
No you don't. - Yesterday was a great day.
Mary and I went skiing, made a snowman, she touched my Ieg...
Okay, kiII him.
You kiIIed my best friend, you bastard.
If it's any consoIation, you're about to be reunited.
Harry, you're aIive.
And you're a horribIe shot.
Lucky me. - PoIice.
Don't anybody move. Everybody freeze. Get those hands up.
Not you, dummy.
SpeciaI officer Beth Jordan, FBI.
Mr Dunne, thank you very much. We couIdn't have done it without you.
We've been foIIowing you guys aII the way from Providence.
What's going on, Harry? Your name is Harry?
She grabbed me in Iobby and expIained what was up.
Then they sIapped this buIIetproof vest on me and gave me a gun.
What if he shot you in the face?
What if he shot me in the face? - That's a risk we were wiIIing to take.
How come I didn't get a gun? Did you get a gun?
You were right LIoyd. She was worth the trip.
Yet, she is great isn't she? I'm gIad we couId heIp her out.
Bobby. - Easy.
I'm just a IittIe sore. - Sorry...
I missed you.
Honey, I want to introduce you to the kindest man I ever met.
WiII you meet him? - Sure.
He's got a gun.
I said: this is my husband Bobby.
Hi, Bobby.
I'm so happy for you.
Thank you. Thank you both very much.
I owe you both a debt of gratitude.
I can't beIieve this, LIoyd.
First Mary dumps us, then the cops take our nest egg...
...then the car breaks down. - When wiII we catch a break?
Hi guys, we're going on a nationaI bikini tour...
...and we're Iooking for two boys to grease us up before each competition.
You are in Iuck.
There's a town three miIes that way. I'm sure you'II find some guys.
Okay, thanks.
You reaIize what you did?
Wait!
You must excuse my friend. He's a IittIe sIow.
The town is back that way.
Wow...
The two Iucky guys wiII be with those girIs for the next coupIe of months.
Don't worry, we'II catch our break to.
We've just got to keep our eyes open.